Springtime, the only pretty ring time

“Here is my hand, my heart, my throat, my wrist. Here are the illuminated cities at the center of me, and here is the center of me, which is a lake, which is a well that we can drink from, but I can’t go through with it. I just don’t want to die anymore.” — Richard Siken

If I speak too soon at this it could be over. But I want to say it, shout it, anything it. So here it will remain. Here it will be captured -- the reawakening of us. My timeless, ageless love for you -- oh, God, it has never ceased! Like I told you, it just lies dormant and it's brought to life by your voice, your breath, your ability to capture me with your love.
I watched Law and Order Thursday night.
I listened to Green Day and had Spaghettio's on Friday.
You predicted it all.
How do you know me? Do you just know me? Am I easy to you? I want to know these things because the answers will provide honesty, and I assume too much when we speak in metaphor.
I want to love you until your hair turns grey.
I have loved you fiercely these many, many years.
Will you make time if I make time? All we've had is time, but it has continuously been off.
Love me and I will love you. Be ready.

"and there's nothing to get hung about"

crush

Butterflies are swarming. It literally feels like something is eating away at my stomach lining. It's most likely because I've not felt this way in a while. The intensity is invigorating and electric. I feel everything like it's the first time I've ever felt anything. This. Is. Bad. Badly written, yes, because it's tremendously difficult to verbalize a fleeting feeling.
It's been a week, and everyday I've uttered some version of "I don't want to feel this way" out loud to various people. I mostly scream it down the tunnels of my mind. It only floods the reverberated mess and increases my heart rate. Nothing helps. I can't even properly cry. I know the outcome of this, and it isn't a place where my hopeful, animated heart skips merrily down the path to Lovers Lane with her male counterpart.
Nay.
This is me making a huge mistake. This is me throwing myself against the wind.
I am developing expectations. You know how I know? Because I am dreaming about the future. I am never in the future. I am always here. I am always now.
It has been Tom for so long. Now comes this, this guy. This guy who doesn't want anything that I want, but deep down wants something. I don't want him to make me laugh, or make me think, or introduce me to his friends, or make me feel special, or drive all the way out here to see me, or call me back when he says he will.
Because it all makes me think ahead. And when I think ahead I'm not HERE. I'm off making plans in some made up world that will never exist. It will never exist because things like that don't exist for me. I know it. And that's not me feeling bad for myself. I love that it exists at all. I love watching it happen to those I know. Being a witness to such wonders is like seeing God. So I do not feel bad. I just get carried away. And I don't want to be swept up in this.
Even if he cares a little, a little is a lot to me, a lot more than what I have.

I'll update soon.