Crushes of Yesteryear

When I started to fall in love with boys I was very young. When I say in love, I don't mean lust or what a child thinks love is supposed to mean . . . I mean a tender, emotional love. I envisioned these boys holding me and protecting me and being gentle with me. I have always been attracted to a character that's sensitive and courageous. I need to express this to someone right now because I got to thinking about Spot Conlon, a character from the Disney movie "Newsies" that I loved so very much (even though he had a bad boy streak) and this perpetuted a mental list. Here is that list.

1. Jeremy Licht - aka "Mark" from a television series called The Hogan Family (originally called "Valerie" and then "Valerie's Family" before becoming The Hogan Family) which aired from 1986 - 1991. I remember being 3 or 4 and becoming completely infatuated with him. I would sit up close to the tv and imagine him coming to the front door, coming up to the livingroom, and holding my hand.

2. Fred Savage - aka "Kevin Arnold" from the television series The Wonder Years, which aired from 1988 - 1993. Every Sunday night we watched this. Well, at least that's how I remember it. I'd be huddled in front of my mom and dad's bed in my nightgown, hair damp after a bath. The very first episode aired when I was barely 5, but it had me hypnotized, well, I should say that the relationship between Kevin and Winnie Cooper was what had me hypnotized. In the very first episode Kevin and Winnie meet by this tree, it's dusk, he takes off his jacket and places it gently around her, and then they kiss. That was when I first fell in love with love. That's when I first felt the endless need to love and be loved. I wanted Kevin Arnold to kiss me like he kissed Winnie, I wanted him to take care of me when I was cold by placing his jacket on my shoulders.

3. Joey McIntyre - Yes, I loved a member of The New Kids On The Block. My sister Tiffany and her friends were obsessed with them, so I had a lot of access to their records, videos, posters, books, buttons, dolls, sheets, pillows, sleeping bags -- you name it, we had it. I used to watch their live video that Tiffany's friend Marlena taped for Tiffany ('cause Marlena had cable at her house). On that recording he sings a song called "Where Do I Go From Here" that just made me cry my eyes out, and being the youngest of the group he was like the Justin Bieber of the 80's. I couldn't help but fall for those blue eyes and the semi-deep "my balls haven't quite dropped yet" teeny bopper voice.

4. Elijah Wood - I loved the Elijah Wood in the film "Radio Flyer" . . . that's when I fell for him, hard. Radio Flyer came out in 1992, and if you haven't seen it, I suggest you do. It's a beautiful film. I loved his character, Mikey. He was just so captivating. There is a scene when he gets bullied by the mean boys in his new neighborhood, they trick him into thinking that they like him and ask him to play a friendly game of kickball and then they all gang up on him. My heart broke. He was bleeding. I wanted to help him, I wanted to hold him and love him.

5. Gabriel Damon - aka "Spot Conlon" from "Newsies." Also released in 1992. This is a movie based on a true story about the Newsboys in NYC at the turn of the century going on strike against the "giants of the Newspaper world." Spot is the leader of the Newsies in Brooklyn. Manhattan Newsies seek him out for help, so they can rally together thus proving to be a stronger unit. He's a sly little fella, but courageous, and sweet, and good hearted. He has the most amazing eyes. I imagined him kissing me, deeply, in my room. I would cry thinking about him and Elijah Wood because I knew I'd never be able to meet them and I loved them so much.

Springtime, the only pretty ring time

“Here is my hand, my heart, my throat, my wrist. Here are the illuminated cities at the center of me, and here is the center of me, which is a lake, which is a well that we can drink from, but I can’t go through with it. I just don’t want to die anymore.” — Richard Siken

If I speak too soon at this it could be over. But I want to say it, shout it, anything it. So here it will remain. Here it will be captured -- the reawakening of us. My timeless, ageless love for you -- oh, God, it has never ceased! Like I told you, it just lies dormant and it's brought to life by your voice, your breath, your ability to capture me with your love.
I watched Law and Order Thursday night.
I listened to Green Day and had Spaghettio's on Friday.
You predicted it all.
How do you know me? Do you just know me? Am I easy to you? I want to know these things because the answers will provide honesty, and I assume too much when we speak in metaphor.
I want to love you until your hair turns grey.
I have loved you fiercely these many, many years.
Will you make time if I make time? All we've had is time, but it has continuously been off.
Love me and I will love you. Be ready.

"and there's nothing to get hung about"

K

You were a boy I knew in school
and the fall makes me think of you

I admired you from afar
and the fall makes me think of you

A smile that cured suburban blues
and the fall makes me think of you

You walked the streets just like me
and the fall makes me think of you

You died in the springtime
but the fall makes me think of you

You frequent my dreams
and still the fall makes me think of you

Don't speak to me in code,
Don't speak to me in symbols
Speak to me using words of emotion

I will hear you
I always hear you
I'm always aware

You're more alive today than ever
and the fall makes me think of you

I know when you are near
you bring the fall when I think of you

new song lyrics

Untitled as of right now. Any title suggestions are completely warranted.

The Carolinas are so old
I wonder about the soil there
As I toil through the day
That consists of nothing new

I want to do all the right things
Like not contribute to the system
So I don't own a car
And I don't buy stuff at the mall

Maybe in a year
I'll have a place in Baltimore
And let paintings of the sunsets
Unleash my steady bones

And if I walk off
Don't look beyond the sea
Leave me to discover
And sew what the future may reap

They have blinded us for centuries
But I don't mean to place blame
The recognition, it births action
And I am in the meadow, rising

crush

Butterflies are swarming. It literally feels like something is eating away at my stomach lining. It's most likely because I've not felt this way in a while. The intensity is invigorating and electric. I feel everything like it's the first time I've ever felt anything. This. Is. Bad. Badly written, yes, because it's tremendously difficult to verbalize a fleeting feeling.
It's been a week, and everyday I've uttered some version of "I don't want to feel this way" out loud to various people. I mostly scream it down the tunnels of my mind. It only floods the reverberated mess and increases my heart rate. Nothing helps. I can't even properly cry. I know the outcome of this, and it isn't a place where my hopeful, animated heart skips merrily down the path to Lovers Lane with her male counterpart.
Nay.
This is me making a huge mistake. This is me throwing myself against the wind.
I am developing expectations. You know how I know? Because I am dreaming about the future. I am never in the future. I am always here. I am always now.
It has been Tom for so long. Now comes this, this guy. This guy who doesn't want anything that I want, but deep down wants something. I don't want him to make me laugh, or make me think, or introduce me to his friends, or make me feel special, or drive all the way out here to see me, or call me back when he says he will.
Because it all makes me think ahead. And when I think ahead I'm not HERE. I'm off making plans in some made up world that will never exist. It will never exist because things like that don't exist for me. I know it. And that's not me feeling bad for myself. I love that it exists at all. I love watching it happen to those I know. Being a witness to such wonders is like seeing God. So I do not feel bad. I just get carried away. And I don't want to be swept up in this.
Even if he cares a little, a little is a lot to me, a lot more than what I have.

I'll update soon.